There is Beauty Here

Shoulds, and Shouldn'ts....

These have always been a problem with me and I blame it on my own dis-ease of Codependency. You should do this. You shouldn't do that. Most of the time, the only one putting such limitations on me is myself.

Case in point. I am sitting here dealing with hormone storms of massive proportions (see my previous post). One side-effect of this is bright, crystal-clear insomnia. Some have gone so far as to say I appear "manic" in a state like this, and I suppose I can see their point. I do seem to get an incredible amount of work done, in blog posting, virtual-world creation, and online research.

Yes, I take advantage of periods like this, even though "I should" go to bed. I have tried to go to bed when I get like this and it is usually a lost cause. I have to ride it out till I finally crash and sleep, probably for a good 16 hours.

M gives me a hard time about it, but he knows good and well that I'll sleep when my body wants to. Others get downright upset that I don't sleep during a time like this. My first question is, of course, why? I'm definitely not hurting anyone and I get a lot of good things accomplished. There is nothing inherently "wrong" with me having one 24-hour period a month like this, while my body tries to dipple out what menopause is going to look like. It just means that I'm lit up like a Christmas tree and making the most of it.

That doesn't stop that little devil in my head from saying "but you should...". I get a lot of those urges to "do as I should" and I know good and well that most of it is Codependent Programming.

I "should" eat something besides the occasional Starburst today. Why, if my appetite is down due to hormones? I'm an adult, I can eat whatever the hell I want, when I want.

I "should" cut down on my smoking. Um, I have already and it's slowly becoming less of a need in my life. Just whose time clock am I punching, anyway?

I "should" eat less of 'this' because...[insert words here]. Why, if it satisfies a craving and I don't binge? I'm not hurting anyone, even myself.

I have to constantly battle this "rigid programming" that still be-bops around in my brain. I've been on full disability for how many years, now? Um....*counts*....15. I'm still engaging in this "should" and "shouldn't" crap. I guess that kind of programming is the hardest to break, especially when you have the associated element of self-image. "Well, if I do this, people will see me as..." or "If I don't do this, people will say...". Fuck what people will think and say. None of them are living my life. Most of the things I battle with on this front affect me, and only me, and have no discernable affect on anyone else.

Fuck that shit. From now on I am going to do as I wish. I am one of the most considerate, generous people I know, and I've worked hard to foster those parts of myself, so it's not like I'm suddenly throwing basic ethics and boundaries out the window...It's against my nature to deliberately hurt another, and when I've found out that I have, I feel extremely bad about it. Being human does have its consequences.